


Lean On Me

by kittyhazelnut



Category: Phineas and Ferb
Genre: Gen, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-22
Updated: 2020-10-22
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:13:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,661
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27150250
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kittyhazelnut/pseuds/kittyhazelnut
Summary: When Heinz calls out "sick" for the third time this month, Perry is sent over to get to the bottom of it.
Relationships: Heinz Doofenshmirtz & Perry the Platypus
Comments: 18
Kudos: 85
Collections: Perryshmirtz Week 2020





	Lean On Me

**Author's Note:**

> This is my one (1) contribution to Perryshmirtz week: Day 4, Lean On Me

"Good morning, Agent P."

That's a bit of a stretch. Early hours and gloomy, overcast skies are not Perry's idea of a good time. Monogram has to know this by now, but there's not much either of them can do about it. For all his shortcomings as a leader, the early mornings are one thing that can't be pinned on him. Evil never sleeps, right?

So Perry lets the "Good morning" slide, as he does every morning. Even if he _could_ comment on it, it wouldn't be worth the effort. He's just here to find out what Heinz is up to, though he could easily just head straight to Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated and hear the scheme — and accompanying backstory — from his nemesis himself. 

"We received an email from Doofenshmirtz earlier this morning," Monogram begins. 

Perry isn't sure how to feel about that. First of all, "earlier this morning" is practically last night. Secondly, Heinz rarely emails OWCA for _anything_. Sure, he's been known to _call_ OWCA every now and then, usually because he can bother “Francis” that way, but email? What is this, 2005? 

"He wanted me to tell you that he's not working on anything today; he's 'too sick' to scheme." Monogram rolls his eyes. "This is the third time this month he's pulled that, and I have a very hard time believing it."

Perry stares at him blankly. What's there not to believe? He's sick. He's human; that's just how humans work. Monogram sent Perry after him when he was sick last month, and he was _definitely_ not in the right state of mind to be inventing. This is probably the same deal. 

Monogram continues, "Either he's secretly working on something evil and he doesn’t want to step in, or he's developed a serious illness and didn't report it to the OWCA health department to have it added to his file. I need you to go over there and see what's going on."

Perry gapes at him. Seriously? He could _sort of_ understand last time he was sent over there when Heinz was sick: it was a product of Monogram's jealousy because he couldn't take the day off like Heinz, but that's what he's come to expect from his boss. He can't quite understand this one. 

But he supposes he can't complain. If he's not thwarting Heinz, he'll be stuck with someone far less entertaining. As far as nemeses go, Heinz isn't half bad. He's loud and overly enthusiastic and, most importantly, he's consistent. Perry always knows what to expect with every trip to Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated: a backstory, an easily escapable trap, and a mostly harmless inator with a self destruct button. When he's especially lucky, he even gets a well-rehearsed musical performance.

Today's obviously not going to be one of those days. Knowing Heinz, he's going to do his best to make it a fun, light-hearted "thwarting" session despite being too sick to do anything thwartable, but it won't be as exciting as a usual day. 

So, with no real complaints other than "let the poor evil scientist sleep," Perry salutes the Major and heads out.

If Heinz isn't doing anything evil, there's no need to break down the door. Instead, Perry parks on the street — where he has to pay for parking, for the record, and OWCA won't reimburse him for it — and heads in the front door. There's usually a fifty-fifty chance the elevator is broken, but today the mechanical gods seem to be on his side because he has an easy ride up to Heinz's floor. 

He's a bit conflicted about what to do when he reaches the door. Technically he's _always_ here uninvited and he usually has no qualms about breaking in anyway, but that's because he's still _expected_. Heinz specifically asked him _not_ to come today, so just walking right in feels wrong, even if he _does_ have a key. 

At the same time, though, he doesn't really want to knock, either. Perry may not have the luxury of taking sick days, but he's learned from the Flynn-Fletchers that when people are sick, they tend to spend their day sleeping. Perry doesn't want to risk waking him up if that's the case. 

After careful deliberation, Perry pulls out Heinz's house key from his hat. Heinz gave him one a few months ago, which isn't very standard in nemesis relationships but Perry can’t say he blames the guy. He’s broken down a lot of doors and crashed through a lot of walls during their nemesisship. It has to get annoying after a while. Not, of course, that the key ever _stopped_ Perry from breaking down doors or crashing through the walls, but it’s the thought that counts.

Perry opens the door as quietly as he can. He pauses, peeking through the crack, but when he doesn’t hear Heinz say anything, he pushes it open the rest of the way. He expects to have to look around for his nemesis, or at least find Heinz’s bedroom, but that doesn’t seem to be the case. Heinz is definitely out here, though whether he’s awake is another question. He’s slumped over his desk, his face squished against a messy pile of blueprints. His lab coat lies on the ground a few feet from him, probably thrown away carelessly after he sat down, and he's left in just the black halter top he wears under his coats. 

Either Monogram was right and he really was scheming, or Monogram was dead wrong and Heinz is inadvertently proving that he’s too sick to work today. Perry’s money is on the latter.

Perry hesitates in the doorway. Heinz has no idea that he’s here. He could easily slip out and head back to his lair, give Monogram a brief synopsis of his “case,” and let him know that there’s nothing to worry about. It would definitely be the easiest thing to do But at the same time, he has to be uncomfortable, resting like that. Who knows how long he’s been sitting here, and who knows when he’ll get up? The way he’s sitting, he’s definitely going to wake up with a sore neck if he doesn’t move. 

Perry lets out a small sigh. He’s going to have to do the nice thing, isn’t he? 

Perry shuts the door gently, and it closes with a quiet click. Perry doesn't think much of it, but apparently Heinz does because he bolts upright, gaze on the door in an instant. 

Perry freezes. This is _not_ what he was expecting when Monogram sent him to break up a sick day. 

Heinz's eyes are red and swollen, his cheeks streaked with tear stains that the scientist immediately reaches to wipe away. He seemed on edge when he first heard the door close, but when his eyes land on Perry, he seems to deflate. Perry tries not to take it personally. 

"Perry the Platypus?" Heinz just sighs and lays his head back down on the table. " _Great_."

Perry frowns. He knows humans can get grouchy when they're sick, but this isn't quite what he envisioned. There's definitely something else going on — something that he has to hope doesn't involve him. He thought everything had been going well with them. Their thwarting sessions are the same as they've always been. He can't imagine _he_ did something to upset him. 

Which begs the question: what _is_ bothering him?

Perry gives him a questioning chatter. 

"You can go now, Perry the Platypus," Heinz says, his voice dull and lifeless. "I don't have an evil scheme for you to thwart into oblivion today." 

Perry knows his thwarting is supposed to inconvenience his nemesis, but he didn't think Heinz really cared. Heck, he was under the impression that they both _enjoyed_ their arrangement, even if they couldn't admit it. Could he really have been that wrong about everything?

Even if that _is_ the case, Perry can't just leave him like this. He's never seen his nemesis this upset. Through all his tragic backstories, he always held it together. What could have broken him down like this?

Perry walks up to him and is met with the disheartening realization that he's much too short to comfort someone as tall as Heinz, even when he's sitting down. Perry climbs up on the desk, which would probably put him at about eye-level if he would just look up. It doesn’t look like that’s going to happen, so Perry just sits down on the desk and waits. He’s not sure what he’s waiting for, but he waits. 

Perry hadn’t realized how central Heinz’s monologues were to their meetings until now. The silence is deafening. He’s never been so acutely aware that he’s not welcome somewhere, and sure, he knew that when he decided to sit here, but he wasn’t expecting it to be this _awkward_. He can’t just _leave_ , though. That would be… It just wouldn’t feel right.

It’s a long few minutes of silence. Perry debates getting up and walking out numerous times, though he never follows through. He may want to leave, but he doesn’t want Heinz to _know_ he wants to leave. He’s not sure, but he thinks that might make whatever’s going on even worse. Of course, just being here might _also_ be making it worse, so it’s a bit of a toss-up at this point.

“Why are you still here?” Heinz asks, and Perry jumps at the break in the silence.

Why _is_ he still here? Heinz isn’t working on anything, so his job is done. They’re not enjoying themselves, so it’s not one of their post-thwarting-session social calls. If he’s not here for work or for pleasure, then why _is_ he here? 

_Because he cares_.

It’s not something that’s really come up in the past. It had never really occurred to him before -- not in words, at least, though he’s sure the feeling’s always been there. He _cares_ about his nemesis. Of course he does. But how does he show it? 

Perry slides a few inches closer and puts a hand on Heinz’s arm. He hopes it’s a comforting gesture. The only times he’s been in a situation even remotely like this are with the kids, and trying to show that he cares is a lot harder when it takes more than just lying down in someone’s lap. 

Heinz picks his head up off the desk. “Perry the Platypus, what are you...?” 

Perry offers him a small, sympathetic smile. _I'm here for you_ , it says. He has to hope the message doesn't get lost on its way. 

Heinz sighs. "You don't have to stay here and pretend you care. I'm sure there are a million other places you'd rather be."

Perry shakes his head. It's not that he's _wrong_ , exactly; Perry would be more than happy to go home and maybe catch a glimpse of the boys' activity for the day before it inevitably disappears. He just can't bring himself to do it at his nemesis's expense. 

Heinz eyes him warily for a few moments, but evidently decides it's not worth the fight because he puts his head back down without another word. 

Well, _that_ wasn't how Perry thought this was going to go. He's not sure he was expecting the usual monologue, but he thought he'd at least get some sort of _explanation_. Heinz is never this quiet. It's unnerving. 

Since he's obviously not getting anything out of Heinz — and he's okay with that; if Heinz doesn't want to talk, he's not going pry — he decides to pass the time a different way. He gently tugs one of the blueprints out from under Heinz's arms, careful not to disturb him, and looks it over. There was definitely something drawn here, but it's so heavily scribbled on that all he can make out us the " _this is stupid_ " written across the top. 

Perry pulls out a different blueprint. Once again, it's entirely scribbled out, this time touting the comment, " _no wonder Dr. Gevaarlijk failed me_." 

Perry frowns. Are all these blueprints going to be covered in scribbles and self-deprecation? That's the last thing he'd expected. He'd always assumed Heinz _liked_ coming up with these schemes. Why else would he still do it when it's become so obvious that he'll never succeed?

Perry puts this blueprint down and reaches for another one. He must not be as subtle about it as he had been because Heinz lifts his head again to look at him. He snatches the blueprint back before Perry can take a peek, crumbling it up and tossing it carelessly on the ground. “Will you leave my stuff alone?”

Perry cocks an eyebrow. It’s an open invitation of sorts; an opportunity to explain what’s going on without _demanding_ an answer. 

“It’s nothing,” Heinz mutters.

Perry just sits there, waiting. Not _pushing_ , just waiting.

Heinz sighs. “I just… I feel like I’ve already _tried_ everything and I’m still no closer to taking over the tri-state area, which would be _fine_ if I could keep going but I’m really running out of ideas here and it’s only a matter of time until…” He trails off, shaking his head. “It’s just -- it’s been a rough night.”

Perry takes his hand and gives it a reassuring squeeze. He may not be able to spoonfeed Heinz his evil schemes, but he can stay here and keep him company, and that has to count for something. 

“I’m sure I’ll figure something out,” Heinz continues. “I mean, I have to, right? I can’t just _stop_ being evil.”

Perry gives a small shrug. Maybe he _could_ stop being evil, at least until he can prepare a few new schemes. It’s not like his evil schemes are getting him anywhere, and he has to know that by now. 

“I _can’t_ ,” Heinz insists. “Because if I stop being evil, I’ll lose everything. My favorite hobby, my friends at LOVEMUFFIN, and… well, if I run out of schemes for you to thwart, you won’t have to come back. Francis will reassign you to a _new_ nemesis -- a _better_ nemesis. And you’re really the only one who ever comes around anymore -- except Vanessa, but she’s out of the house more often than not even on _my_ weekends. If you didn’t have to come back --”

Perry shakes his head. That’s not how this works. He’s sure OWCA _would_ try to reassign him, but no matter how bad his evil scientist’s block gets, Perry’s going to keep coming back as long as he’s welcome. 

“Really?” Heinz says tentatively. “You wouldn’t just leave as soon as Francis let you?”

Perry shakes his head again. They’re nemeses, after all. That’s not a bond that can be broken by a simple lack of scheming.

Heinz wipes his eyes with the back of his hand, a small smile on his lips. “Thank you, Perry the Platypus. That means a lot.”

Perry just smiles.

“I’m not going to stop scheming, though,” Heinz adds. “Don’t expect me to go all ‘good guy’ on you now. I’m still _evil_ ; I just… need to figure out _how_ I’m going to be evil next, you know?”

Perry nods. He figured as much. In all honesty, he might have been a little disappointed if that _wasn’t_ the case.

“You’ll see,” Heinz continues, and now he’s back to that rambling thing he does when he’s trying to prove something that no one believes. “I’m going to come back more evil than ever. Just give me, like, a week. Just a week, and I’ll be more evil than I’ve ever been. You won’t even know what hit you, it’ll be that evil.”

Perry readjusts himself so he can look up at Heinz comfortably. He has a feeling he’s going to be here a while, and he’s okay with that. He’ll sit here as long as Heinz wants him to as long as he can see that light in his eye while he talks about his scheming. Perry wouldn’t have it any other way. 


End file.
